What they don’t tell you in teacher’s college or EDU grad programs is that you will spend the rest of your career apologizing for everything that comes out of your mouth. I suppose there are some teachers out there who have never had to apologize for making a decent living, for their education, the way they dress, the way they look, the way they talk, their religious and political beliefs, for having standards and standing up to bullies, for implementing the curriculum and for simply doing their job. Oh, wait a minute, those are the men in our esteemed field. To be honest, I’ve always liked working with my male counterparts. They bring levity and a much-needed male perspective to children starving for the presence of a man in their life and a profession which takes itself all too seriously. But the fact is, they slide into elementary schools, landing their home run with a certain amount of entitlement and authority, a rare bird sighting in the early grades and thus revered.
Their booming voices can be heard in the hallways, putting errant children in their place, without so much as the batting of an eyelash from parents and administrators. Now I don’t like to harp on sexism, but surely you may have noticed the beating that Hillary Clinton took in the 2016 election. Scrutinized for every word she said, and beaten by the press not for the content of her words, but for the contours of her voice. “She sounds like she’s screaming,” people said. If you think there was a double standard imposed on Hillary Clinton, multiply that by a thousand times and you just might get a sense of the landscape female teachers must navigate in public schools.
It’s not that I don’t like my male colleagues. I have worked with some wonderful men, who are caring and hard-working, and who fill the lonely gap left in children’s lives by their all too absent fathers. And, to be fair, they are not to blame for the systemic and deeply entrenched sexism female teachers encounter on all fronts. Administrators and parents, male or female show more respect toward our male colleagues whether they deserve it or not. It is as benign and insidious as the fact that parents pay their sons a higher allowance for doing nothing, while their “Cinderella” daughters earn their pittance by doing most of the household chores. The unfortunate consequence is that the lone male in an all-female staff can take a beating in that passive-aggressive way that women have. Not being one to participate in that girl posse behavior, I have often aligned myself with my male colleagues. I mean you’ve got to feel sorry for the poor bastards, right?
But when I see my male colleagues (or anyone for that matter, including the Principal), waltz out the door as soon as the contract allows, with not so much as a briefcase of work to do at home, while I am slavishly chained to my desk until 5:00 and looking forward to a “woo-hoo!” evening correcting papers – well, you can understand why I may have built up a tiny bit of resentment against them. It’s not just the lack of work ethic and effort that ticks me off, it’s the fact that they can get away with it. And what’s up with the “coach track”? How is it that any male gym teacher, or basketball coach, who has never taught in a classroom, and who has no background in implementing an academic curriculum, can slide so effortlessly into the principal’s chair? How does coaching the baseball team qualify one to become Superintendent? Qualifications? Experience in governing? Well, I guess that all went out the window with the recent elections since we now have a President whose only qualification is the fact that he has a penis.
Not only is the system rigged against women, it’s downright hostile. We are compelled to work ten times as hard as some of our male colleagues, not including the double life we lead as mothers, wives, and heads of households. We have earned our rightful place in the middleclass through hard work and dedication. And yet, our authority is persistently questioned. If a woman earns a well-earned place as the head of a school, she can look forward to a tsunami of sexist assumptions from parents and staff.
Whereas a male administrator can get away with doing nothing other than passing a budget and shooting a few hoops with the kids, a woman can’t do enough. She can work her ass off (which is one of the perks of the job), she can implement fabulous school-wide initiatives that make children better learners and better human beings, and she can lift the quality of teaching, but she will never be enough. Every miniscule task will be scrutinized, critiqued and politicized. Even worse, the moms and the female staff will not support her leadership. Like those women who chanted “lock her up” referring to Hillary Clinton, their internalized oppression will get the best of them. Apparently, we all have our mother complexes, and get catapulted into a perpetual state of teenage rebellion once a woman takes charge.
I apologize for the diversion. It was not my intent to rant about sexism and the discrepancies between male and female teachers, but I have noticed that my male colleagues don’t get nearly as harassed as I do. When was the last time they were asked to apologize for their existence?
What I really wanted to say, was how sick and tired I am of having to apologize. It’s not that I am opposed to apologizing. I learned right away that if I wanted to cultivate a positive relationship with a parent I’d have to stuff all my righteous indignation and, well, “suck it up buttercup”. Most of the time, all it takes is a simple “I’m so sorry…” to deflect a raving maniac who can’t understand why his son got a D when he was entitled to an A. And God-forbid you raise your voice at a child who is standing on a desk, “Knock it off, already!”.
I’ve had to apologize for some crazy shit in my 23 years of teaching. My initiation for teaching in the classroom came after the first week when an irate mother barged in with a list of complaints, most notably that she didn’t like the fact that I had a community jar of pencils so that kids could grab one if their own pencil broke. Apparently, I was single-handedly responsible for spreading Aids.
What is it about being a public-school teacher that makes parents and the public feel entitled to tell you how to do your job? It doesn’t matter how many degrees you hold or how many years of experience. Even the most moronic high school drop-out thinks he knows how to run your classroom better than you, and he don’t mind sayin so. I guess the key words are entitled, and public, but I think the real crux of the matter comes down to gender and class.
Being a woman is hard to hide, but people often make assumptions that we teachers are middle class. What they don’t know about me is that I was raised lower working class and rural and that my parents were both high school dropouts. They don’t know that I worked my ass off, sometimes juggling three jobs to put myself through college because my parents didn’t really value education. In fact, they had the same kind of attitude toward my teachers when I was growing up, that I have to put up with from the parents of my students. They also don’t know how many times I was mortified by the rantings and ravings of my parents, and how petrified I was of having them show up at a conference for once. What my parents didn’t know was that whatever my failings were in school, it wasn’t the teacher’s fault. It was theirs. Had they supported my intelligence and talent with higher aspirations than marriage and children, I might have found my way sooner and in a less round-about route. Had they realized that having a high IQ was not enough, and that there was more to it than breeding, as though I were a prize milk cow, it wouldn’t have taken me fifty years to become the writer I always wanted to be. A little help with homework, or least setting the expectation that it was more important than chores wouldn’t have hurt either. I try to remember these things when I open rabid e-mails from parents. I think about the mortified child in the background, who feels guilty, because in order to deflect the rage from himself, he blamed the teacher.
So here is my litany of apologies:
- I’m sorry that your life sucks, and that you can’t find a decent job, but it’s not my fault, and I certainly won’t apologize for having earned my rightful place in the middle class (with a little help from white privilege).
- I’m sorry that your child is overwhelmed by homework and has a tantrum every night, but he is, after all, in fifth grade. The homework is minimal and most kids finish up in 30 – 40 minutes. Perhaps you should consider that attention thing before he starts to self- medicate. Just saying.
- I’m sorry you think that I’m telling your children what to think, but I’m not. I’m teaching them how to think.
- I’m sorry that you don’t like the Principal, but the fact that I won’t join your witch hunt, doesn’t make her my BFF, nor is she my enemy. On principle, I don’t engage in bullying.
- I’m sorry that you think I get special treatment and somehow have an “in” with the administration, but the fact is – well, like I said, I work my ass off and deserve every accolade I’ve ever received. I’ve never felt entitled, having come from a boatload of people who lifted themselves up by the bootstraps. By the way, you should try that bootstrap thing, rather than expecting your white entitlement to give you and your children a free ride.
- I’m sorry that you thought I was somehow “targeting” your child when I caught him throwing things during a science lab and that I was audacious enough to send him out of the room for a few minutes. Perhaps had you practiced a little more effective parenting, and a lot less enabling, you wouldn’t be raising your grandchild.
- I’m sorry that after receiving daily e-mail attacks for expecting your child to do his homework and behave in class, that I snapped and called you a bully. But you should know that your kid is the biggest bully in the school. I guess the apple didn’t fall far from that tree.
- I’m sorry that you were shocked and appalled when I admitted to being a liberal during that field trip when my students had to debate what they would do about the homeless in the 1830’s. But I’m just not going to wear that scarlet “L” on my clothes, and I won’t apologize for being on the right side of history.
- I’m sorry that you think your daughters were singled out for bullying after another student became downright suicidal due to their taunting and note-passing, but frankly, it is my job to ensure the safety and well-being of all children, and those girls were just plain mean. Having experienced the backlash of the mothers who then started a rumor campaign against me, demanded an inquisition and an “apology”, I can see where they get it from.
- I’m sorry that you think your child is entitled to preferable treatment because he’s white, middle class, and plays sports, but it’s not doing him any good to excuse his disrespectful and aberrant behavior and the disrespect he shows toward his female classmates. Of course, this behavior is apparently the key to success and could land him the presidency someday.
- I’m sorry for all the things your child reports back to you that I say in class – the off-handed remarks, commentary about standardized testing, the frustration with a schedule that doesn’t allow for teaching science, the fact that I work 7 days a week with no compensation and the endless amount of time I spend on collecting and analyzing data instead of being able to develop inquiry labs and lessons that would engage your child in learning…(here’s where I take a breath)… There’s really no excuse for the snippets of information I share with the class. It’s TMI and irrelevant to the real work that needs to take place in the classroom. But you must admit, it’s a captive audience. Just saying.
- Finally, I’m sorry that your child told you that I called President Trump a racist, and that you feel offended. In fact, I did not. I would not resort to the kind of name-calling our “president” subjects us to every time he tweets. I make a point of making it clear that my disagreements are with policy decisions, not personal attacks. Furthermore, when half my students are convinced that Muslims are terrorists and Mexicans are murderers and should be banned from the country, I think it is my duty as an educator to point out that it is racist to make assumptions about a group of people based upon their religion, race and immigration status. Furthermore, it is quite possible that a ban on Muslims is in fact a violation of the Constitution and goes against everything America stands for. I cannot take credit for the fact that your child made a connection between the President’s policies and his beliefs. Although that was not my intent, it only goes to prove that your kid is smarter than I thought.
- I’m sorry for all the remarks I made about entitled white people. I am white, after all. But surely you can see that schools have become the great divide, rather than “The Great Equalizer”. Until there is a shift in power from the white males who run things to the rest of us who are slaving away to keep up with inane policies and inept curriculum, schools will continue to be pools of inequity.